Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I Hate Utah

I know.  Sounds unfair.  I don't hate the people.  I don't hate "the Church."  I don't hate the treacherously beautiful desert and mountains.  I don't even hate the depressive pall that hangs heavy over the town I'm staying in.

My father has lived here for a few years now.  He moved to Utah to ski.  And ski he does - well over 100 days a year.  68 years old.  He's a machine.  Fittest of the fit.  He had invited me out to ski with him each of the past few years.  But I never had time.  I never had the money.  I just . . . never.

Well, now that my father has cancer, I'm finally here.  And I'm hating every minute of it.  I hate the fatigue, the weakness, the shortness of breath, the pain.  I hate the very modern, beautiful, award-winning medical facility carefully watched over by mountains.  The mountains are especially gorgeous between 8 and 8:15 pm when the setting sun gives the western face of the mountains a warm, pinkish hug goodnight.  Sometimes, for a moment during that time, I forget how much I hate Utah.  But just for a moment.  Then I remember the tubes, the monitors, the (wonderful) nurses, the fourteen pills he takes each morning.  In that moment, I forget the new gauntness of his face, his distended belly, his dry, pale hands and arms, and his, now, old-man shoulders.

But it's just a moment.  I brought plenty of knitting to Utah.  I knew it would help.  That it would distract me.  Help me swallow the tears that sit constantly, just in the bottom of my eyes.  Keeping my hands busy, focusing on something else.  Creating something.  I just knew this would keep me sane.  Hmph.  It's all bullshit.

I hate Utah.


cici said...

oh my goodness, what sad news. My prayers are with you. I loved the way you expressed yourself here.Great writing. I am sorry Utah isn't so great. I am happy you have your knitting♥

Whitish said...

I am sorry to hear what your Dad is suffering through. I understand what it is doing to you. Under different circumstances, you would likely love Utah. Our feelings are molded by circumstance. To this day, I hate Dover Plains, NY. Part of me still associates it with the place that led to my parent's divorce (which was inevitable anyway.)That house there that my father sold 3 years ago brought nothing but pain to the family. I hate that house. I felt no sentiment when he sold it. I wanted to burn it down along with the memories. Anyway, that's for my therapist (that I don't have) to listen to. Thank you for sharing your feelings so openly and know that you have friends to help you through these hard times. Love and good health to your Dad.

CLS said...

I'm sorry to read about your father. I will certainly keep you and your family in my prayers as I, too, have dealt with cancer in a very harsh and personal way this summer.

BTW - I LOVE reading your writing.


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